Crappy Philosophy

For the longest time I would never talk about bodily functions of any kind. To me they were embarrassing necessities that should be dealt with in secret and never ever talked about in the light of day. It always grossed me out when mom or one of my friends talked about zit popping or bladder issues. To sum it up nicely, "Everybody Poops But Me."

After the surgery, this mentality was quickly bashed upon the head and thrown over the side of a bridge. I have embraced the openness of speaking about my morning bowels in what I describe as "Everybody Poops, Let's Compare."


That said, allow me to tell you about my epic poo.


I went away to Chicago for a 1 1/2 week vacation. The last week of my stay I invaded a friend's house and all was well with the world. I managed to keep from gassing them all too terribly while at the same time maintaining my usual toileting habits.

Except for the last two days, I urinated as usual, but no morning poos were had. I blame this purely on the fact that I kept forgetting to take my vitamin cocktails and therefore missed out on my fiber pills. It happens, and nature would eventually get the upper hand.

My friend rode back with me to KC (for a short 2 day vacation) and I spent a small portion of the trip concerned that we'd have to pull over by a friendly looking bush so I could take care of urgent matters but it was not necessary. I was then worried that I'd gas bomb her out the second we got home, which to my slight frustration was not the case. Also, since I hadn't weighed myself in over 2 weeks I decided to check out the scale. I weighed 179.2 (before leaving I was 179.6). Slightly disappointed that it was a bigger difference, but content that it was still a loss I thought nothing of it.

It was the morning after we arrived that I finally found relief, and as one would expect it was a pretty healthy offering and I felt WORLDS better afterward. I jumped on the scale to get another (and hopefully better) reading.

I weighed 165.5.

Damn.


I was impressed, to say the least. I took a shower, felt smug. Got back on the scale.

Weighed 168.6, which was more believable but still not bad.


Mom was jealous.